In the midst of a recent cleaning frenzy, I uncovered a holy grail of self-help mantras that dripped with advice as though it had absorbed the mound of Seventeen magazines packed around it. The book cover’s promises to guide me through tips, rules, how-tos and pictures lured me in, guaranteeing my success in the upcoming school year.
I was temporarily deterred by a glaring warning etched at the bottom of the first page, but I decided that anyone with such poor spelling skills couldn’t possibly be an immedit threat to my wellbeing– I perused on, eager to discover what profound universal truths I would discover.
No, I didn’t unearth a copy of the Ten Commandments in my bedroom, nor did I come across the lost writings of the Buddha. Instead, I happened upon a wide-ruled, spiral-bound notebook from my days as a 5th grader. Among the pages of half-completed love letters and horrific sketches that somewhat resemble self-portraits rests a list of self-improvement techniques penned by 10-year-old Mallory Golski.
After reviewing the 14 Golden Rules– or, should I say, Golden Rulez– inscribed in the single page of my ultimate Guide to Life, I was astounded by my extraordinary wisdom at a time in life when most people are more focused on their appearance and social status. I decided that these principles are far too life-altering to be left unshared.
Thus I bring you the official, unedited copy of my Rulez 4 Life.
Perhaps I was paying homage to my future sorority, Delta Zeta, or maybe I just had a particular eye for unique color combinations that often went unnoticed by my peers. Either way, I discovered that the first way to attract the attention of those around you is by rocking an outfit filled with colors and patterns that otherwise would have no business being paired together. Stripes and polka dots? Not a problem. Plaid and floral? Duh!
When you get dressed each morning, ask yourself if the outfit you are selecting will truly allow you to stand out in a crowd of boring navy and white color combinations. If not, do yourself a favor and add a splash of pink. And green. But mostly pink.
Sure, you could showcase your affinity for sparkles by investing in some diamond earrings or a Tiffany necklace, but why splurge on unnecessary jewels when you can replicate their starlike twinkle with some shimmery silver eyeliner? The unnaturally dazzling glow will magically attract new friends and potential suitors to you in a way only replicated by fairies drawn in by pixie dust.
Not a fan of excessive glitz? Need not fret. Simply line your lips with fuchsia lip liner before filling them in with a pumpkin orange lipstick for a contrasting pop of color unmatched by any high-end contouring kit. When you look in the mirror and notice how gr8 you look, you’ll face the day with a two thumbs-up attitude.
Have you ever crossed paths with another individual and thought to yourself, “Now what could she possibly be thinking?!”
Perhaps it was her unique hairstyle that piqued your curiosity, or maybe you just happened upon a series of selfies scattered about her social media that made you wonder what exactly was going on inside her mind when she decided to present herself in that manner. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you could just get right inside the minds of everyone you encountered?
Simple solution: Instead of merely posting pictures to Facebook and Instagram with the caption #NoFilter, take the time to incessantly edit your photos to include full-on descriptions of whatever is taking place in that particular moment in time. You can wave goodbye to boring selfies when you add a flirty “<3” next to your name or a clever “summer” graphic to remind your followers just how fun-loving you really are.
Straight teeth and blurry vision pale in comparison to the metallic glisten that a classic pair of Barbie glasses and set of retainers can bring to your face. While posing for photos, always remember to bare your teeth in a way that allows people to see all the way to your molars. By getting a clear view of your haphazardly grown teeth, onlookers will realize that you didn’t just pick out this trend for the sake of fitting in, you earned the right to don a combination that isn’t neardy in the least.
Though just a continuation of Rule #1, Rule #5 is noteworthy nonetheless. While all of your peers shell out hundreds of dollars on name-brand clothes that will be out of style in a month, you will be proudly sporting classic looks that set you apart from your average trend follower.
Need outfit inspirations? Check out the photos below. Trust me, the only thing more attractive than the finely chiseled abs on the Abercrombie models is a pair of black flats paired with ankle socks.
America: The land of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of making up new words on your own volition. So when the cat has got your tongue, there’s no need for dismay– just summon up groovilicious (or grovilicious, if you’re feeling a more avant-garde spelling) and then you’ve got a lot to say.
If anyone ever questions your style, humor, social life (or lack thereof), stand up straight, hold your shoulders back and proclaim to the world, “I’m proud of my clip-on sunglasses! I’m proud of my skort! I AM NOT AFRAID 2 B DORKYG!!” Embrace your quirks and affectionately give yourself a nickname that not only shows the world that you’re proud to be a dork, but also doubles as a clever Webkinz username.
Never, I repeat never, leave the house without your cell or your iPod– you always want to be prepared when you come across a cute guy or girl who you’re just dying to get to know. There’s no better conversation starter than discovering your mutual love for the always groovilicious Hannah Montana, and few things show off your romantic side quite like continuing the conversation through a good old-fashioned medium like AIM.
Singing in the shower is no way to showcase yourself as rising pop sensation. In order to find out if your guy friends really are all about that bass (or soprano), you MUST go out right this moment and join a choir. Church choir, school choir, community choir– any excuse to belt your favorite tunes is groovilicious indeed.
I don’t mean to stir up any treble, but any activity that gives you an excuse to take faux candid photos and plaster them with music notes certainly can’t be construed as geeky!
Honestly, I don’t even know why I bothered to write this one down– it’s quite obviously self-explanatory! You could dot your eyes normally, but what other handwriting technique allows you to show off your loving, flirty personality without being too overbearing? Forget semicolons. A few hearts here and there are sure to woo teachers, bosses and potential suitors. It’s like the Comic Sans of handwritten notes!
Whatever you do, never sacrifice your true self for the sake of popularity. If someone tells you that you have to dress a certain way, talk a certain way or join a certain club in order to fit in, simply whip out your most dramatic hair flip, shrug your shoulders and confidently say, “I’m groovilicious and I know it!”
Wait– don’t let me tell you what to do! Just B yourself!!!
Need a quick fix for your gangly arms and legs and overly-lipglossed face? Join a tallent show!
Spelling errors? Not a problem. When you participate in a tallent show, starstruck audience members are far too dazzled by your mediocre singing ability and hip dance moves to notice your sub par writing skills. Who knew it was this simple to become automatically COOL??
Causing your friends to swoon because of your ravishing appearance is flattering; watching them suffocate after catching a whiff of your bodily stench is mortifying. To avoid striking down innocent passers-by with your less-than-stellar aroma, you must discover the perfect combination of unique scents to create an odor that is distinctly your own.
As soon as my 10-year-old self discovered the instant maturity that smelling like a summery alcoholic beverage bestowed upon me, I knew I had to stink– err, stick with it.
Head to Bath and Body Works, raid your grandmother’s old perfume or simply splash your favorite beverage on your wrists before you leave the house. Apple juice? Orange juice? Perhaps lemonade? The moment your sniffer spots the perfect smell for you, you can consider your social life revolutionized.
What’s greater than becoming automatically COOL? Smelling automatically COOL, of course!
While I have to admit that my middle school self falls just short of a self-improvement expert, there’s nothing wrong with setting a few goals for yourself at the start of a new school year. Bottom line? Laugh at your quirks, B yourself and remember to always be groovilicious.